Meet Me in St Mungo's
by YelloWitchGrl
Summary: COMPLETE! Post HBP Comedy of errors as Voldemort interviews several of Harry's friends.
1. Chapter 1 Driving Voldemort Looney

**A/N:** Thanks goes to Ham for the plot.

**A/N2:** This is a parody full of OOC Death Eaters and HBP spoilers. This story takes place the summer after HBP ends and will be in 3 or 4 parts. Also this is not like my other stuff, just so you know.

**A/N3:** Much thanks to my wonderful Beta Kevin

Part One: Driving the Dark Lord Looney

"Bring her to me." Voldemort sneered derisively down at Wormtail who was quivering at his feet.

"Yes m-my lord." The sniveling waste of human flesh said before backing out of the dank room on his knees. The door shut with a resounding _thump_ causing Voldemort to scowl at it, willing the damn thing to burst in to flames. Most unfortunately the steel door did not ignite.

It had not been going well for him. He had lost several of his best Death Eaters to Azkaban and he was now stuck with Snape constantly as the good professor had recently lost his job at Hogwarts. Voldemort reached a hand up to massage his temple, which had started to throb. Snape was the epitome of arrogance but he couldn't just kill him. After all, Snape had proved his loyalty by killing Dumbledore, something not even he, The Dark Lord, had been able to do. Today was not going to be a good day unless their captive had the information he needed.

There was a knock on the solid door before it swung open and two of his Death Eaters dragged in a small girl between them. Voldemort smiled in triumph as he gazed down upon her.

They pushed her down to her knees and bowing to their Lord, quickly turned and left the room.

The Dark Lord surveyed the girl with interest. She was severely lacking in height and had untidy dirty blonde hair. Her face was small and heart shaped and she had large, protuberant eyes that seemed completely out of place on her. Those very eyes were gazing up at him in wonderment at the moment.

Voldemort was suddenly unnerved by her behavior. Most people brought before him were cowering with fear by this point. But this girl was just staring at him as if he was some kind of potions experiment gone badly.

"What is your name?" The Dark Lord hissed, trying to regain his equilibrium.

"Luna Lovegood," the girl replied, not breaking her stare, her eyes never blinking. "And yours?"

The Dark Lord was momentarily dumbfounded. _Who was he?_ Was the girl insane? Or was he just losing his touch? A sweat broke out on his brow as the thoughts swirled through his brain. First Snape kills Dumbledore, then this slip of a girl shows no fear nor respect for his presence. _The Muggle tortures would have to be stepped up_, he decided. It wouldn't do for people to stop fearing his name.

"Foolish girl." He spit out derisively. "You are in the presence of Lord Voldemort."

"Oh, nice to meet you," Luna said getting to her feet and holding out her small hand. "But that is a very silly name if you ask me. Did your parents not like you? You know that there are ways you can change your name if you wanted."

The Dark Lord balked. Stupid name? Change your name? _Who was this girl?_

"You are an idiot or very brave to speak to me like this little girl." He retorted menacingly.

Luna shrugged. "It was just a suggestion. I was not trying to make fun of you for it. Some people call me Loony, you know."

"Enough games." Voldemort paced slowly, ignoring her prattle, before turning to face her. "If you want to live tell me what the Prophecy says."

Luna frowned. "Prophecy? What Prophecy?"

Voldemort eyes narrowed. Trust his servants to capture the wrong girl. "WORMTAIL."

The door opened and a small fat man rushed in and fell to his knees before the Dark Lord kissing his robes. Voldemort felt his revulsion for the little man rise like bile in his throat.

"You called me master?"

"Who is this girl? You have kidnapped the wrong person you fool."

Wormtail looked up and gazed at Luna. "It is the right girl master. She is a good friend of Potter."

Voldemort turned to Luna and looked at her with an evil smile, choosing to ignore his earlier declaration that Luna could not be the right girl. "No one can fool Lord Voldemort. Now for the last time what is the Prophecy?"

Luna gazed at him patiently. "Don't you know that there are no such things as Prophecies? Divination is just one big hoax," she said slowly as if explaining something to a particularly stupid two year old.

"Sh-sh-she was at the Department of Mysteries, My Lord." Wormtail informed him quickly. "She was in the Hall of Prophecy."

Voldemort rounded on her, pointing his wand at her throat. His eyes narrowed and he felt his heart begin to race as it always did before he killed. "Is that true?"

"Yes." The mad looking girl confirmed before shaking her head. "But those were not Prophecies."

Voldemort blinked slowly trying to comprehend what he was hearing. "They weren't?"

"No." Luna said evenly.

"Then what exactly were they?" Voldemort kept his wand at her throat but it did not seem to faze the girl in any way. He gulp slightly, feeling somehow wrong footed.

Luna smiled serenely. "They were Utza Bees."

Voldemort took a step back, finally realizing that this girl was insane but that was not enough to stop him from asking, "what are Utza Bees?" He regretted it the instant he had spoken and almost silenced her before she could answer but her expression stopped him. Luna had scowled.

"It was Fudge's idea." Her frown deepened into concentration. "But I don't think they should be released or even bred for that matter even if they were intended to kill you." She cocked her head to one side and studied him again.

Voldemort waited for several moments for her to continue but when she did not he began to fume again. "Tell me the rest or I shall kill you now!"

She bristled. "You don't need to be nasty about it. All you had to do was say please." Luna reached up and touched her odd necklace that was adorned with butterbeer caps. "The Ministry has been crossbreeding Africanized Honey Bees from the Americas with Cornish Pixies. They have named them Utza Bees and they will be used to attack you once they have hatched. Unfortunately for the Ministry we smashed many of the eggs while we were there a year ago."

The air stilled around him as he absorbed what the lunatic had said. There was no way that the Ministry was breeding an army of bees and yet, she seemed so certain. What the hell was wrong with her? He decided he did not really care to find out.

"WORMTAIL!" Voldemort turned quickly to the man who was still prostrate on the ground at his feet. "Kill her and find me the incompetent servant who recommended her as the one to abduct."

"There is no need to be inhospitable." Luna's voice sounded mildly irritated.

Voldemort pulled his wand again, to finish her off but as he turned he saw her twist one of the caps on her necklace and instantly she was gone.

"You didn't check her for a Portkey?" Voldemort asked softly.

"We d-did my Lord and there weren't any on her!" Wormtail cried piteously. "P-please M-m-master, it was all Malfoy's doing."

"Explain quickly." Voldemort did not know that it was possible for him to still have headaches but he should not be completely surprised. The little rat on the floor was nothing but a headache.

"Draco said that she was Potter's date at a party. I had just assumed that she would know something." Wormtail's shiny eyes hardly met his stare and he was revolted to see the little man's nose begin to run.

"Clean yourself up and send young Malfoy in here." Voldemort snapped at him. The rat wiped his sleeve over his nose before backing quickly from the room.

"Malfoy." Voldemort said the name as though it was a particularly delectable sweet. He had attempted to off the brat last year but in the end Draco had managed to prove himself worthy, unlike his incompetent father. The child had even proved useful over the past few weeks. He had been updated more fully on Harry Potter's daily activities and those whom Potter associated with.

Voldemort turned to a table before pulling out a picture of Potter from the Daily Prophet. He put it up on the wall with a Permanent Sticking Charm. He moved back across the room and took careful aim at the face that now constantly appeared in the paper. His first shot was a Stunner that would have hit its mark if Potter's image had not moved swiftly off the page. Scrunching up his face in indignation, he threw a chair across the room at the article. He missed. Harry's face poked out to stick his tongue out before disappearing again.

Voldemort was going to toss something else at the picture, when Draco Malfoy stumbled through the door and fell to his knees in front of him. The small boy had always reminded Voldemort of a fairy but his eyes gave him away. They were often cold and calculating. Right now, however, the littlest Malfoy appeared as though he was likely to wetting himself.

"Who was Luna Lovegood and how did she escape here with a Portkey?" Voldemort asked him quietly, almost patiently. He didn't want to smell the odor of piss at this moment.

"My Lord, she was with Harry Potter last year and went on a date with him and… I don't know anything about a portkey. She was searched for one when we brought her here."

Voldemort fumed. "Obviously she was not searched thoroughly enough if she was able to escape. It was on her necklace, a butterbeer cap."

Draco's pearly white face drained further of the rest of its color until Voldemort was sure it would glow if he extinguished the light. His mouth opened several times, mouthing like a fish. After several long moments he answered. "It is a Weasley's Wizard Wheezes product, my Lord. They make security items too."

Voldemort's eye twitched at the stupidity that his Death Eaters were showing. "Why was I not informed of this?"

"I don't know my Lord." Draco whined. "I tol-"

Voldemort cut him off. "Never mind. I want another of his friends captured, a Weasley this time."

"Yes my Lord." Draco mumbled as he faced the floor.

"You will see to this personally although you may bring back up as is needed. I want answers about the prophecy but I will not waste my time on lost causes." He walked over and used the tip of his wand to raise Draco's face to meet his eyes. "If you bring me one more mistake, I will make you suffer."

"Yes my Lord." Draco seemed to hesitate. "Do you have a preference for which Weasley?"

Voldemort contemplated this for a moment. "You said that Potter dated the youngest girl. She would know and as a girl, she would be easy to break."

Draco blanched. "My Lord, I… I don't think that she would be easy to break. She is in love with him."

Voldemort smiled. "He dumped her, you said." Draco nodded so he went on. "Then she might be looking for revenge."

"No." Draco looked as if speaking were costing him dearly. "I am sure she would not go against Potter. He left her to keep her safe so she knows that he still cares. She wouldn't betray him." Draco shifted nervously.

"SPEAK!" Voldemort bellowed, losing his patience.

"She is a very talented witch with a nasty temper and I…" here he hesitated and cleared his throat. "Frankly she is a pureblood, even if she is a blood traitor. She can easily kick my ass in a duel." Draco finally looked up from the ground and Voldemort could see how much that admission had cost him.

That did not, however, keep his temper from rising. "Are you trying to tell me that a girl a year younger than you and a Weasley would be able to-"

Draco interrupted quickly. "My Lord, she is extremely powerful! I am just not sure that we should attempt to snatch her."

Voldemort felt his eyebrow rise. "Are you questioning my judgment?" His voice came out in a hiss and he was pleased to see the teen quiver. "Get me the youngest if possible but if not, any Weasley will do."

"Yes My Lord." Draco backed out of the room and closed the door with another loud _thump_. This time Voldemort jumped slightly before turning rapidly towards the door and firing a Reductor curse at it, causing the door to fly off of its hinges and smash in to several of the Death Eaters beyond. They yelled and scattered as he laughed menacingly. Very soon he would have his answers about the prophecy and then Harry Potter would be finished.

PLEASE REVIEW and help me get better!


	2. Chapter 2 Double the Trouble

**A/N:** I forgot to put in the disclaimer… JKR owns Harry Potter and that goes for everything else throughout this story. Just a warning, while I normally put out a chapter every day I have to cut back to weekdays for my sanity. SO you will see Part 3 of this story on Monday.

**A/N2:** Thanks again to Ham for the ideas and to my wonderful Beta Kevin.

Part 2: Double the Trouble 

"We have them my Lord!"

Voldemort turned slowly to see two identical redheaded men in bright green dragon hide jackets, being led into his private chambers. He stared hard at them but they did not react in any way towards his presence. They simply moved forward to where the Death Eaters placed them, in the center of the musty room.

"Thanks mate." One of the twins said, turning towards the Death Eater who brought him in.

The Death Eater froze in place and gaped at Weasley, his mouth dropping open. On of the twins deftly moved to push something in to his servant's mouth. Voldemort raised his wand to kill the culprit but the masked Death Eater threw back his hood and Draco Malfoy was revealed. His eyes were glazed over but a smile spread over his face while his mouth open and…

Draco sang.

"Meet me in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fair, Don't tell me the lights are shining any place but there;"

Voldemort felt his own jaw drop and instantly there was a strawberry flavored chew in his mouth. He attempted to spit it out but it was too late. He felt a prickling sensation on his normally bald head. Voldemort's hand flew up and felt thick hair sprouting out of his skin.

"_We will dance the Hoochee Koochee, I will be your tootsie wootsie;" _Draco continued to croon.

Voldemort was seething as he faced the two young men in front of him. "What have you done to me?"

Both gave him an identical smirk. The one on the right answered him. "It's called Piggly Wiggly."

Voldemort saw red. These two idiots had cursed him and made him look like a fool.

"If you will meet in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fair."

"_Silencio_!" Voldemort shot the spell at Draco. He stumbled but otherwise went on.

"Meet me in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me at the fairDon't tell me the lights are shining any place but there; we'll kootchie, kootchie, kootchie, we'll be a tootsie-wootsie…"

"MAKE HIM STOP!" Voldemort bellowed at the twins.

The twin on the left shook his head. "The best part is coming up." His voice sounded comforting and reassuring and Voldemort seethed inwardly that they were making a mockery of him. He couldn't kill them yet though, he needed information.

"_If you will meet me in St. Louis, Louis, Meet me in the fair_." He finished in a long, high note, his arms thrown up into the air. Then Draco went on. "_La La La La La  
La La La La, La La La La La La_," he began to prance around the room, flapping his arms about like a bird. "_Louis; Ta Ta Ta Ta, Ta Ta Ta Ta, La La La, La La La La La, Any place but there, La La La La, La La La, I will be your tootsie-wootsie; If you will meet me in St. Louis, Louis; Meet me at the fair!_" He finished the song and took a deep bow before the other Death Eater who had led the twins in, his him on the back of his blond head and Draco crumpled to the floor in a heap.

Voldemort nodded at the Death Eater. He turned to the twins. "I want to know about the prophecy."

They shook their heads together, causing Voldemort to flinch and hope fervently that was all a horrendous dream. "I want to hear the prophecy." He leveled his wand at the throat of the twin on the right, whose hands were casually stuffed in the pockets of his jacket. He met the eyes of the twin on the left. "I only need one of you. I can easily dispose of your brother."

The brother he was looking at raised an eyebrow. "We don't know anything about a prophecy."

The Death Eater moved forward to grab the twin when he spun and shoved another chew into his mouth. Instantly the Death Eater began a complicated tap dance, while singing.

"_The moment I saw him smile, I knew he was just my style, my only regret, is we've never met though I dream of him all the while_." He kept shuffling his feet to the slower ballad.

The twin's head cocked to the side. "This one doesn't sing nearly as well as Malferret over there." He indicated the prostrate blond on the floor.

"_But he doesn't know I exist no matter how I may persist, so it's clear to see there's no hope for me though I live at 5135 Kensington Avenue and he lives at 5133."_

"This is ridiculous!" Voldemort yelled. "Stop him." He lowered his voice and hissed at he spoke.

"Fine." Twin A replied. "You have no sense of humor but as this bloke can't sing, I don't really want to listen to him any more." He turned to the tap dancing man who was still singing. "Oy! The fat lady's sung."

Instantly the man fell silent and shook his head as if coming out of a fog. "My Lord," his voice was hoarse. "You have something on your… your head."

Voldemort's hand flew up to the top of his head and felt the bushy hair that was still on top of his head. After attempting several spells to remove it he turned to glare at the twins, who were clearly amused by this. "How do I get it off?"

"You have to say the correct words and it will fall off." Twin B informed him.

Twin A nodded. "Yeah, you say the right words and it will come straight off. If you don't say the words correctly-"

"-and with feeling." The other interjected.

"Yes, with feeling, thank you my dear twin. If you say it with feeling then the wig will come off."

Voldemort raised his wand to them again. "Tell me the words now."

"It's quite simple."

Twin A nodded. "Very simple. We got it from a Muggle nursery tale."

"The story of the Three Little Pigs." Twin B commented. "You say "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow my cheap wig off" and it will come straight off."

"Don't forget to say 'cheap' though because otherwise it won't work." Twin A informed him seriously."

Voldemort stared hard at these two. _We've gotten off topic_, he thought savagely. "I want to hear about the prophecy. You two are close to Potter, surely he'll have told you about it."

"I told you," one of them replied. "We don't know anything about no prophecy."

The second twin nodded before scowling slightly. "Even if we did know we wouldn't tell you."

"Nope." The first agreed. "We are working hard to ensure that you go down." He finished this sentence with such malice in his voice that Voldemort felt as though the temperature in the room had dropped several degrees. Voldemort shivered almost imperceptibly.

"Then you are of no use to me." He pointed his wand and one twin to deliver the killing curse, opened his mouth and instantly an orange flavored chew was thrown underhand into his mouth by the other twin.

Instantly Voldemort felt his mouth begin to foam with a taste that was undeniably… soap. He opened his mouth to shout but bubbles began to pour forth from his mouth, dribbling down his chin and onto his robes. He tried to speak again but ended up choking on the suds that were in his mouth. He looked over at his Death Eater for help but the man appeared to have been knocked unconscious like Malfoy.

Voldemort rounded on the twins and saw that they were observing him closely and taking notes with parchment and quill.

"We will have to work on the gag reflex. It won't do to have the paying customers eating the soap suds." One of the twins commented.

The other nodded sagely and scribbled more on his parchment. He pulled a knut from his pocket and flicked it at Voldemort's feet. "There you are, payment for being our test subject on the Cleaning Chew."

"That name needs some work as well." His brother said. "Cleaning Chew is all right for the test subject but the customers will want some humor to go along with it."

"I like Cleaning Chew for a name." The first said, clearly perturbed with his twin.

Voldemort tuned them out and pointed his wand towards his mouth. He concentrated on the bubbles but before he could get the spell out, his wand had transformed in to a rubber chicken. Voldemort stared down in horror at what had once been his wand.

"Nice one George." One of the twins slapped the other on the back. "I didn't even see you slip it into his robes."

George grinned. "Thank you Fred." He moved forward and shoved another sweet into Voldemort's foaming mouth. "U-Do-Poo… should kick in soon. Now, I think we have overstayed our welcome, let's be off shall we?"

"Let's." His brother agreed jovially. They each stuck a hand into their pockets and disappeared.

Voldemort was beyond incensed. He had been made a fool of and worse still he had not learned anything about the prophecy. Today was not going any better than his previous interview with that psychotic blonde. He dug about in his robes until he located his real wand and halted the suds from spilling out of his mouth.

He ran a quivering hand over his face, wiping away the foam and attempted to calm himself from the ire that was threatening to engulf him.

"WORMTAIL!" He shouted so loudly that his own head reverberated along with the echoes off of the stonewalls and slowly a pounding began to build in his temple.

The rat like man scurried in to the room and fell to his knees. "Yes my Lord?"

"_Crucio!_" He unleashed all of his anger onto the man and Wormtail shrieked and squealed in agony as he writhed on the floor. The noise was enough to wake up Malfoy and Voldemort switched his attention to the young man.

"You failed me Draco and I do not tolerate failure!" He leveled his wand down towards the cowering twit and again used the unforgivable curse. "_Crucio!_" Draco squealed and hit his head hard upon the floor; blood began to gush from a cut along his brow.

The door, which had been repaired earlier that day, swung open to reveal Snape looking upon the scene with disgust. He bowed low and stood to smirk at Voldemort.

Voldemort lifted the curse from Draco. "What do you want Severus?"

"My Lord, I want simply to inform you that the capture of the Weasley twins was my idea." His sneering voice could be heard and Voldemort nearly stepped back at the malevolence that he could feel. _I am losing control of them_, he thought grumpily.

"So you are to blame for this bungle Severus?" Voldemort asked, almost cautiously. It would not do to piss off the person who managed to kill Dumbledore.

"Yes my Lord, I am afraid that I am." He took another step into the room. I thought that the twins might be able to give us information on their security products, as well as the information that I could not provide on the prophecy. I am sorry to say that I did not search them myself when they were brought in. It is a mistake that shall not happen again, of course."

Voldemort hesitated. Death Eater etiquette demanded that Snape be tortured for an indiscriminate length of time until he had realized fully the error of his ways but- Voldemort's line of thinking ended abruptly as he felt a stirring low in his bowels. He needed the loo and fast.

Voldemort emerged from the loo shaking and cursing the twin devils that Malfoy had brought for him to interrogate. U-Do-Poo indeed. Voldemort halted in front of Snape who was waiting patiently for him when he felt another tell tale grumble in his belly. He turned and made a mad dash for the loo.

On his third attempt at emerging from the loo, he finally managed to speak. "I want the youngest Weasley, the girl, here within a week." Voldemort paused and took a deep breath, hoping that his stomach would not protest too badly.

"Ginevra Weasley?" Snape asked with a slight raise of his brow. "Of course my Lord. I shall see to it personally."

"Good." Voldemort was not sure he could say much more.

Snape looked up at the top of his head. "Would you like me to rid you of the hair my Lord?"

Voldemort nearly blushed. He had completely forgotten about the curls that sat atop his head. "NO!" He barked and pointed towards the three fallen Death Eaters. "Take them from my site and leave me be."

Snape bowed low again. "Of course my Lord." He flicked his wand at the fallen men and they rose to follow him out the door.

When the door had closed Voldemort shut his eyes tight and spoke the incantation aloud. "I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow my cheap wig off." Instantly the hair fell in a clump the floor making a soft _whish_ as it landed.

**A/N:** Thanks again for all the help and support through reviews!

Thanks to **AllyLovesHarry** for the Cleaning Chew and fake wand!

Musical Lyrics from the "Musical Meet Me In St. Louis"

**Strangely Sirius**: Thank you

**kazziedal**: I was excited about it being cannon as well! I also really love picking on Malfoy.

**da90schic**: I firmly believe it is the truth LOL

**CreativeQuill**: Thank you. I needed to get writing, it's been too long. I do so love beating Malfoy up.

**SaintEmo**: Thanks!

**AllylovesHarry**: Thank you again for everything!

**Godsgirl2480**: I'm so glad you liked it. This whole thing will be nothing but stupid silliness.

**Harry and Ginny 4eva:** Make sure you keep embarrassing Ham with this, since it was his idea. Hehe

**ivorypanther**: YWG takes a bow. Thanks!

**Julie Long:** I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for letting me know.

**RSegovia**: I love Luna too! She is a trip and a lot of fun to write.

**LittleTom45**: I think I could pull my hair out listening to Luna sometimes too, only because I wouldn't want to laugh at her. She is a great character.

**forbiddenlight**: Thank you, I'm glad you liked it.

**suddenxxdeath**: Well, the idea was given to me by a friend, but I have to admit that I giggled when he told me what he wanted me to write.

**JPx**: Thank you! I'm glad it wasn't too OOC but I'm afraid it will get worse.

**MuggleMomma**: Thank you and make sure you get on Ham for this because it was all his idea. EVIL GRIN

**Kat**: You'll get to see several of our favorite characters and I'm glad you are enjoying it!

**Dobbey**: Thank you!


	3. Chapter 3: Big Problems In Tiny Packages

**I don't own Harry Potter!**

**Important A/N:** Sorry for the delay everyone, my weekend was crazy. Anyway, this isn't like the last two chapters but the next chapter should be a lot of fun.

Thanks again to Ham for the ideas.

Thanks to my Beta Kevin!

Part 3: Big Problems In Tiny Packages 

The past two days had been busy for Voldemort. He had stepped up the Muggle killing, increased the wizard torture and had stopped two giants from killing each other by ordering Wormtail to feed them a cow. Most unfortunately the little rat had made it back in one piece.

Overall it had been a productive few days and he had just received news that Snape was bringing in the youngest Weasley for him to question. Voldemort rubbed his hands together, feeling the frigid cold that permeated his entire body. It was as if he were touching a corpse when he touched his own skin but oddly, the sensation made him smile. It represented power to him; a power that Snape could never possess, no matter how many Dumbledores he killed.

Voldemort paced the private sanctum that he had claimed in the dilapidated, moldering castle that had once belonged to Grindelwald. He felt vindicated and stronger, knowing that he was among his predecessor even though Grindelwald was a fool and had gotten himself killed by that Muggle lover, Dumbledore.

Dumbledore… Voldemort shuddered slightly, thankful for the privacy that this room allowed him. Thinking of the old Headmaster always brought up thoughts of his death and the fact that one of his servants had succeeded in killing the old man. _Is Snape a threat to me?_ He had wondered that thought many times over the past few weeks. Truth be told it was keeping him up at nights, wondering if Snape would try and overthrow him.

"My Lord."

The voice came from behind him, belonging to the man that had been disturbing his slumber. He started at the intrusion on his thoughts and turn to face Snape. Only he was not alone. In his grasp was a short, redheaded girl who appeared to be about sixteen years old. She would have been comely too if the look on her face had not been murderous.

"This is Ginny Weasley, my Lord. She is Potter's former girlfriend." Snape shoved her forward, possibly expecting her to trip but she merely took a step forward and stared at Voldemort.

Voldemort took a slow breath, easing the tension from his body. "It is a pleasure to meet you in the flesh Miss Weasley." He smiled in a way that made most of his Death Eaters quake.

The girl looked at him for a moment before cocking her head to the side. "The last time I saw you, you didn't resemble bat droppings. You've really let yourself go."

Her voice was cool and unconcerned but it held a hint of steel. This girl was obviously not going to be easy to break and her confidence told him that she was unafraid. Voldemort ignored her words and turned to Snape. "Has she been searched?"

"Yes my Lord. Draco and I both searched her. We have her wand and we found two portkeys on her. They have been confiscated and shall be used to locate where the rest of her family is hiding." Snape's voice was clipped as he spoke but his eyes danced with amusement.

Voldemort turned back to see that her brown eyes had clouded over and she was biting her bottom lip. He chuckled softly. "You did not expect to get away with that, did you little Ginny? No one can fool Lord Voldemort!"

She sniffed but straightened her shoulders and met he eyes again. "You are a git and you've been a pain in my arse since I was eleven." She raised one eyebrow and crossed her arms across her chest. "Those aren't portkeys that lead to my house though."

Voldemort smiled at her daring attitude. "Snape, send Malfoy to wherever that portkey goes."

"Yes my Lord," was the reply and the door to the room closed behind him.

Voldemort began to slowly walk around the girl, noting that she had waist length hair that was pulled back with a butterfly clip. It looked like a gift that a lover might give and he felt joy consume him. He very much doubted that her relationship with Harry Potter was over. Voldemort decided to try another tactic. "It is a shame Miss Weasley, that you are a blood traitor because you are quite pretty, but wholly unacceptable because of your family."

The girl let out a loud, unladylike snort. "Believe me, I don't regret it at all. It would be truly a shame if you saw me as fit to be with any of your Death Munchers."

Voldemort felt his eye twitch ever so slightly, a bad habit that had been forming over the past few months. She was insulting him. The small wench was playing with him and he needed to regain control over this interview. "I want to know what you know about the prophecy and where Harry Potter is located and I want to know right now!" He got straight into her face and was surprised when she actually stepped backwards.

Ginny raised a hand to her nose. "You need a breath mint."

A rage filled him and he pulled out his wand, holding it to her throat. "No more messing around you filthy, blood traitor! Tell me about the prophecy or I'll convince you."

She rolled her tongue around in her mouth, sticking it out a bit, before biting her lip again and finally smiling. "We want many things in life. I want a Hippogriff, for example and also some new dress robes and it would have been really nice if Harry wouldn't have broken up with me but life rarely gives us what we want. If we get it easily then we don't appreciate it." Her face lit up with a smile. "I don't think you've had to suffer enough for getting that prophecy.

His eye twitched again. _Obviously this girl has no fear._ He had suffered, including a rebounded Death Curse, a year of putting up with Wormtail, being spotted at the Ministry and having to listen to Snape. Voldemort definitely considered all of those things to be 'suffering'. "If that is your decision then I'm afraid I have no choice but to-"

BANG 

Voldemort spun and saw a small, pale girl with long blonde hair, lying at his feet. He was so completely stunned that for a moment he could not react.

The girl looked up and Voldemort was stunned to see that it was Malfoy on the ground dressed in a wig and long dress.

Malfoy looked up at Voldemort before turning slowly to Ginny. He jumped, let out a squeak and began to back up along the floor.

Voldemort glanced over at Ginny and saw that she had a broad grin on her face. She opened her mouth and yelled, "BOO!"

Draco screamed an ear piercing, high-pitched scream before backing up until his hit the wall and folding himself up into the fetal position. Voldemort was disgusted to note a wet trail following the boy. He had clearly wet his pants.

"_Expelliarmus_!" Voldemort's wand flew from his hand and he spun to find the girl holding it, along with another wand.

His mouth dropped open in shock. "Your wand was taken."

She chuckled. "Those morons took a fake wand that has undoubtedly turned itself into a tea kettle by now." She leveled her wand with his face, her gaze never faltering and her eyes never wavering. "You are a pathetic fool Tom but it matters little because the Order will make sure you fail."

Voldemort was too stunned to do more than gape at her. She had tricked him into sending Malfoy off in that portkey. Damn this girl was a good liar.

"I'll tell you something else Tom, I don't know anything about a prophecy and if you think I would tell you then you are slipping. I love Harry and I would never betray him." Her eyes glowed with an inner light as she spoke and although he could hear the passion, she did not move. "You are obviously losing your touch and we are going to make sure you go down for good this time."

Voldemort flinched. Her words were the exact inner demons that he had been fighting over the past few weeks. Would he be able to maintain control over his Death Eaters if Snape was perceived to be more powerful? He knew that at least Bellatrix would never abandon him. A fine sheen of sweat broke out on his body.

"When you understand love Tom, then you'll know why you were never going to win." Ginny finally said. She smiled before moving something around in her mouth. He watched as a bubble appeared from her mouth as she blew on what appeared to be chewing gum.

It kept growing until finally a POP and a spell flew towards him, covering his face with flying bogeys. He had blinked and she was gone.

Voldemort was momentarily stunned and what was worse was that she had taken his wand with her! Seconds later he was bellowing for one of his Death Eaters. Instantly Snape and Wormtail were in the room.

"Yes, my Lord?" They both asked simultaneously.

Voldemort pointed at Draco while speaking to Wormtail. "Get that idiot out of here and get him cleaned up."

Wormtail moved towards Draco and put a hand on his shoulder and the boy jumped nearly out of his skin. "KEEP HER BACK! SHE'LL KILL ME! FLYING BOGIES EVERYWHERE!" He began to sob as Wormtail dragged him from the room.

Voldemort turned towards Snape. "Where is Ollivander being kept?"

"He is currently residing at an estate in Kent. He is still refusing to make more wands but we have all of his stock, my Lord." Snape was studying him, the curiosity plain in his eyes.

Voldemort shook his head and wincing as the bogeys that were still attacking him. He was doing his level best to ignore them in a more dignified manner. He knew that this particular curse only went away with time. "We will make him cooperate with us. That girl stole my wand."

Snape's mouth dropped open at the news and he flinched as one of the bogies flew off of Voldemort's face and hit him in the cheek. He raised his hand to wipe his face and Voldemort nearly laughed at the sallow man but then he remembered how he had gotten hexed.

"She was searched for a wand and portkeys and yet she managed to slip both by you." Voldemort accused him harshly.

Snape nodded slowly. "We thought we had her wand and she did not have any portkeys on her, she must have Disapparated."

"She is a child and she would not know how to Apparate! She…" Voldemort's voice droned off as he remembered the chewing gum. "It must have been the gum that gave her the ability to leave here."

"I am sorry my Lord, I thought she could not escape." Snape bowed his head. "It will not happen again."

"See that it doesn't." Voldemort replied imperiously as the door flew open.

"My Lord!" One of his newer Death Eaters came into the room. "There is a ghost of a girl here demanding to see Draco Malfoy and a poltergeist that keeps chucking things through her head!" He paused, clearly out of breath. "What shall I do master?"

Voldemort went to rub his throbbing temple and got a hand full of snot for his trouble. This was not going well at all.

**A/N2:** Thanks to all who reviewed! You are all wonderful!

Thanks to **AllylovesHarry** and **Harry and Ginny 4eva** for all of your help, you two are great!

**Mark your calendars! Abraxan, author of The Refiner's Fire, will be holding a chat session at WizardTales (google it) in their chat room. Please feel free to join us for this time to question this wonderful author! Time for the chat to follow soon!**

There were so many reviews! Thank you all and I wish I could reply more to each of you but I just lack the time. Just know that I get to smile at them all as I read them and your suggestions have been great!

**Strangely Sirius**: Thanks, I had to giggle at that too!

**Harry and Ginny 4eva**: Ham is always like that, unfortunately.

**kazziedal**: I'm not even through with ole Tommy boy yet!

**SaintEmo**: I am having fun mixing it up. I'll get back to romance eventually though.

**Ginebra Brong**: Thank you! I hope you enjoyed Ginny.

**Sabine Strohem-Moss**: Luna is a trip as are the twins and so much fun to write!

**RSegovia**: Not exactly my plan but I hope you liked it anyway.

**equatorialguinea**: You are welcome. I needed a good laugh too and believe me, I was amusing myself!

**Godsgirl2480**: Well, she got to hex him. I hope we see you in the chat again some time.

**Julie Long:** Ginny is so much fun!

**Nytel**: Thanks, I'm glad you liked it!

**LadyJenny**: You have no idea how hard I laughed! You're suggestion is brilliant and I tried everything I could to work it in but it won't work but thank you soo much. I got such a great laugh imagining that idiot standing up to TMR

**AvengerRevengeVengeanceSisters**: Takes A Bow

**missy mee**: I hope it was worth the wait.

**Clueless****Bystander**: I'm glad you enjoyed it.

**AllylovesHarry**: HUGS thanks again!

**JPx:** I spend half my time laughing at myself so I dunno. It can be a struggle to remain in cannon. Mostly I have to bend Voldie and the others can stay the same.

**The Grinning Face:** Glad you got to smile!

**forbiddenlight**: Thank you and I hope you enjoyed Ginny.

**I Estel vinta amarbarenna lomeo O Duath:** It is nice to know I could make you laugh.

**GiGiFanFic**: Ginny's not so slapstick (and not so easy) but it was still amusing to write her in this.

**Bukama Stealth**: Good sir, your wish is my command- with writing anyway.

**Black is the New Pink**: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it. F and G are really smart and it's amusing to fool Voldie with their stuff.

**forgetyourwatch**: Thank you!

**BellonaBellatrix**: Thanks and I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well.

**Courtney**: Excellent! It's nice to know the readers got to laugh.

**rebecca**: Thanks!

**suddenxxdeath**: Thanks and I'm sorry for the long wait for an update.


	4. Chapter 4: Those Cursed Dead

I don't own Harry Potter

**Important A/N:** I know it has been a whole week and I am dreadfully sorry for it! I am keeping it together and still writing but obviously it is going slowly. Anyway, I am almost done, just one more chapter after this. My life has gotten a lot busier since I posted my other stories so I'm afraid I won't be posting daily. Just know that I won't leave you without an update for long.

Thanks to my wonderful Beta Kevin!

**Part 4: Those Cursed Dead**

"My Lord!" One of his newer Death Eaters came into the room. "There is a ghost of a girl here demanding to see Draco Malfoy and a poltergeist that keeps chucking things through her head!" He paused, clearly out of breath. "What shall I do master?"

Voldemort went to rub his throbbing temple and got a hand full of snot for his trouble. This was not going well at all. 'Why does this concern me?"

The Death Eater stared resolutely at his feet, while shifting his weight constantly as if rocking himself for comfort. "She won't stop sobbing My Lord and the poltergeist is destroying the place. He keeps shooting spit wads at everyone and overturning furniture."

Voldemort sighed exasperatedly, not really wanting to believe that his day could get worse especially since it was a ridiculous ghost causing all of the problems. He felt his eye twitch ominously, something that was happening more frequently over the past few weeks. He attempted to calm his breath but realized that anger would probably serve him well. Voldemort faced his servant and barked his orders. "Get the damn ghost out of here!"

The young Death Eaters blushed before paling. "We tried my Lord but she-"

He cut him off. "Never mind, I'll do it myself!" Voldemort reached for his wand and halted. _She stole my wand and now I am completely powerless_. Angrily, he spun to face Snape before drawing himself in slightly. He was still weary of the bat like Death Eater. "You will go and-"

**BANG**

The door flew open and Draco Malfoy came tearing into the room, his hair disheveled and a look of horror upon his thin, pinched face. Flying after him was the ghost of a crying girl and a poltergeist who was singing raucously at the top of his voice. Voldemort recognized him instantly as the poltergeist that haunts Hogwarts, Peeves.

"_Dear Myrtle's a bit weepy _

_With eyes oh so leaky_

_She falsely remembered her love._

_Oh she can't bear it_

_Being in love with a Ferret_

_So away the white boy got shoved_."

Peeves did a sort of bow before throwing a kettle full of boiling water through the weeping girl. It hit the floor with a loud _clang_ and splattered water all over his feet. Voldemort leapt back in shock as the water hit him although thankfully it did not burn him.

He turned his red eyes on the boy who was cowering at his feet. "What is the meaning of this Draco?"

The blond boy simpered but did not look up to speak. "She followed me from Hogw-warts, My Lord." He gave a loud sniff but was instantly drowned out by an even louder wail from the ghost that looked oddly familiar to him. He studied her as she cried and for a moment the memory that had belonged to another time was unreachable; when it came back it hit him like he was being bludgeoned.

Voldemort watched the girl for a minute and no one else in the room, save the crying girl the poltergeist whom was making farting noises with his armpit, made a sound. "You are Myrtle, are you not?" He asked her softly, proud of himself for remembering her name.

She glanced over at him and recoiled in disgust. "I… I am bu-but I haven't ever seen a ghost as hideous as you!" She began to cry again in earnest. Peeves handed her a rag to wipe her face and she tried to take it, forgetting that she was not corporal. When her hand passed through it she began to sob even harder and Peeves merely cackled merrily before floating to the ceiling and turning over to drop the rag through her head.

"Poor, pitiful Myrtle forgets that she can't pick things up but Peeve's likes to help her to remember." He laughed and blew a raspberry at her.

Voldemort felt out of control in the situation. He had no wand and no way of forcing these two beings to leave. It was impossible to rid a dwelling of a poltergeist and nearly impossible to force a ghost to do anything that they did not want to. He went to rub his eyes and received another handful of snot from that redheaded wench. Today was shaping up to be an overall disaster.

"What do you want Myrtle?" Voldemort asked her softly.

She must have taken his soft tone for warmth because she looked up and answered. "I love Draco and I want us to be together! I've made room in my bathroom for him so he can join me but… he says he can't and he cries so and was always unhappy." She glanced lovingly down at the boy. "Please, let me take him back to Hogwarts and he can stay hidden in my bathroom. No one except Harry Potter goes in there and Harry wouldn't tell anyone because I have kept secrets for him!" Myrtle looked almost triumphant as she finished and she had certainly stopped bawling.

Voldemort looked from the ghost down to his youngest Death Eater. "Is this true Draco?" He tried to keep his voice calm but it seemed almost impossible after everything that had happened. "Were you telling my instructions and secret plans to this ghost, this mudblood?" He pointed a finger at Myrtle and he saw her recoil out of the corner of his eye.

"There is no need to call me that! How did you know I…" Her voice faded out as she slowly approached him. Voldemort turned to watch her glide forward and felt a ripple of unease course through his body. Myrtle's expression was unreadable, her pale face still shone from her recent tears. "Who are you?" She asked softly and no one moved.

Except Peeves, of course; he did not follow the rules of etiquette that other sentient beings thought of at prudent. Peeves blew an ink pellet at Voldemort, which hit him square in the face. He could feel it mingling with the bogies that already coated his skin.

"Ha-ha!" Peeves did a loop in the air. "Marked you!" He stuck out his tongue again before circling Myrtle lazily. "That is Tom Riddle Moping Myrtle! You knows him as the Head Boy when you was at Hogwarts." Peeves turned over so that he floating in midair, upside down. "Or you didn't notice since you died the year before he was made Head Boy." Peeves revolved until he was facing Voldemort, still upside down. "This is You-Know-Poo, this is." He cackled again. "Slip of the tongue." He stuck his tongue out before speaking again. "I meants to say You-Know-Who."

They all froze including Myrtle but she did not start to cry again. Finally she cocked her head to the side and spoke. "You look too silly to be You-Know-Who."

Voldemort's mind stopped. Right now the greatest wizard on earth was covered in bat bogies, ink and did not have a wand. In all he really supposed that he did look silly but admitting that did not make him feel any better. Instead he bent down, picked up Draco's wand from his hand and cursed the boy. "_Crucio_!"

Draco screamed and squealed like a young girl as he writhed on the floor. Voldemort enjoyed this form of torture immensely. It always gave him back a sense of control in this otherwise chaotic world. He held his wand on him until the boy only thrashed on the floor. When he lifted it, Draco became to twitch violently. "You have disappointed me Draco. I cannot have a servant telling my secrets to anyone, not even the dead and especially not to a dead mudblood. _Crucio!_" This time he meant to hold the curse on him until Draco was a drooling, useless lump but what happened next shocked him into lifting the curse.

Myrtle attempted to punch him. He lifted his wand as her transparent fist came flying at and then through his face. Voldemort was so disconcerted that she had nearly decked him and then to have the cold, dead hand pass through his eyes, that he could not think clearly enough to continue torturing the boy.

Of course her fist did not make contact and she had swung hard enough to fall through him so that the rest of her passed through his body, chilling him throughout.

"NO!" Myrtle wailed and began to cry, trying to beat her small hands on his back. "I should be able to do this! You cannot hurt my Draco!"

Voldemort stepped back from her and tripped over Draco's prone body, causing himself to fall flat on his bum. He immediately stood again, still facing the wailing girl. "I can do as I please, Myrtle." He smiled maliciously, ready to deal the final blow. "After all I did it to you."

She stopped crying to gaze up at him with a look of horror and fascination on her face. "Wha-what do you me-me-mean?"

"Didn't you ever realize that it was I who opened the Chamber of Secrets first? I who set the basilisk on the school to hurt the mudbloods and I…" here he paused for dramatic affect. "I am the one who killed you."

Voldemort had expected her to begin crying again. What he had not thought he would see were two extremely enraged spirits. Myrtle began to curse at him and she rose into the air above, waving her finger threateningly. "YOU KILLED ME! YOU ENDED MY LIFE AND CONDEMDED ME TO LIVE IN A TOILET FOREVER! HOW WOULD YOU LIKE BEING FLUSHED DOWN TO THE LAKE WITH PEE!"

At the same time a rather heavy chair was thrown at his head, knocking him to the ground and causing stars to dance before his eyes. Peeves was also screaming, adding to the cacophony that surrounded him. "SHE IS SO ANNOYING! WE'VE HAD TO LISTEN TO HER FOR FIFTY YEARS AND IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" Surprisingly enough the prankster was sounding saner that he had ever before. It was tremendously unnerving to hear a poltergeist speaking clearly and rationally. "SHE DOESN'T STOP CRYING EVER AND HER NOSE IS ALWAYS RUNNING! SHE IS THE BANE OF MY OTHERWISE CALM EXISTANST!"

Voldemort was stunned and had no idea what he was going to do. He was sure that the blow to his head didn't help but now Peeves was attempting to throw items at him that Snape was deflecting with him wand.

"ENOUGH!" Snape bellowed over the din that had filled the room. "You both will go back to Hogwarts this instant." His voice held just the slightest hint of a threat.

Myrtle sniffed. "I am not leaving until I know Draco won't be hurt anymore."

"He won't be hurt anymore." Snape assured her and Voldemort glanced up at him, surprised at his daring. _If this is how my world is shaping up then Snape will have to go._

Myrtle glared at Voldemort. "He will kill him."

"And I ain't doing nothing you says." Peeves informed Snape peevishly. He wrinkled his nose as he glared at him. "You ain't a professor anymore."

"No." Snape agreed slowly. "No, I am now the fugitive that killed Dumbledore. I guess if you would like to stay in my company then there is no way that I can stop you."

Myrtle and Peeves both looked at each other for a moment. Finally Peeves spoke up, sweeping his bell cap from his head and holding it towards the door. "After you, my Lady."

Myrtle nodded slowly before floating towards the door. She turned back briefly before exiting. "I'm sorry Draco, I tried." With that she was gone and the little man hurrying after her. The door swung shut behind them.

Snape walked over to pull Voldemort to his feet. "Are you all right Master?"

Voldemort wobbled on his unsteady feet before looking at the skinny, oily man next to him. He couldn't trust him and yet, he had no way of disposing of him at the moment. Voldemort could not duel the man without a wand that was meant for him. _What do I say? Can this day get any worse?_

The door creaked slowly as both of them turned to see Harry Potter standing silhouetted in the door, his face shone as if lit above. No one moved and again the room was unnaturally still.

"Don't bother to call for help, the Order has already taken out every guard in the place." Harry's voice was cold and hard.

Snape shook his head. "That's not possible! We'd have heard-"

Harry cut him off. "Silencing Charm kept you from hearing us." He stepped into the room, his wand leveled at them. "You took Luna and we were frantic. You took Fred and George and figured you would get what was coming to you." He moved another step closer. "But you crossed the line by taking Ginny and…" he paused for a moment before chuckling. "It looks like you got what you deserved. You look like hell Tom, what did she do to you?"

**Thanks again fro reviewing! So many and I wish I could respond more.**

Miliardo Peacecraft: Thanks, a novel length one is to follow next month.

Julie Long: Thanks, and one more..

Ally: Thank you again for everything!

JPx: Thank you!

realfanficts: oooh, good idea!

Lily: Ginny is my favortie!

Dobbey: Thanks!

Black is the New Pink: DE's are going down!

REDMONSTER85: I'm glad you liked it!

kazziedal: Me too!

Dream Phantom: Thank you, I'm glad you like it.

ivorypanther: I haven't seen it, no but it sounds interesting.

RSegovia: I hope you enjoyed it!

Nytel: I'm very curious about Snape too...

Ginebra Brong: I just could not do the ghosts justice while my kid was teething... my sense of humor was gone. Sorry for the wait.

Sabine Strohem-Moss: Voldie as an idiot trying to keep control... makes me giggle a lot!

BellonaBellatrix: I am glad it did.

LittleDragon: It's a beautiful city and I love the mucial but it is where I imagine Tom wanting to be after I'm done with him.

CreativeQuill: Okay, now I have to think of something more intersting for the wand LOL Must ponder that one for a while... OOH! I think I just came up with something...

AvengerRevengeVengeanceSisters: Thank you to you all!

Clueless Bystander: Sorry it took so long.

I Estel vinta amarbarenna lomeo O duath: smiles

equatorialquinea: Thanks.

Dragonstorm316: LOL that is a great idea!

LittleTom45: I'm glad.


	5. Chapter 5: The Picked One

I don't own Harry Potter

**A/N: **This chapter is not exactly funny in the way that the other one's were but I feel like it wraps up the series of interviews nicely. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks goes, once again to **Ham** for all the ideas and support! This is my last chapter and I hope you enjoy it.

Thanks also goes to my beta for this chapter, **Oomahey**.

Part 5: The Picked One 

Snape walked over to pull Voldemort to his feet. "Are you all right Master?"

Voldemort wobbled on his unsteady feet before looking at the skinny, oily man next to him. He couldn't trust him and yet, he had no way of disposing of him at the moment. Voldemort could not duel the man without a wand that was meant for him. _What do I say? Can this day get any worse?_

The door creaked slowly as both of them turned to see Harry Potter standing silhouetted in the door, his face lit as if from a light from above. No one moved and again the room was unnaturally still.

"Don't bother to call for help, the Order has already taken out every guard in the place." Harry's voice was cold and hard.

Snape shook his head. "That's not possible! We'd have heard-"

Harry cut him off. "Silencing Charm." He stepped into the room, his wand leveled at them. "You took Luna and we were frantic. You took Fred and George and figured you would get what was coming to you." He moved another step closer. "But you crossed the line by taking Ginny and…" he paused for a moment before chuckling. "It looks like you got what you deserved. You look like hell Tom, what did she do to you?"

Voldemort swelled in anger and felt his face flush. He _knew_ he looked like bat droppings but it did not bode well for this confrontation. He straightened as best he could before replying, realizing belatedly that he had dropped Draco's wand when he had been thrown to the floor. "The red haired brat hexed me and then stole my wand."

Harry chuckled. "That's my girl." He said it so lovingly that for a moment, Voldemort was not sure how to respond.

He didn't have to worry. Draco chose that moment to regain the conscious world and open his idiotic mouth. "The wench isn't yours anymore! You dumped her a few weeks ago. Maybe I'll have a go at her pretty- OWW!" Harry had walked over and kicked Draco hard in the face. Voldemort could see that his nose was broken and that he was probably missing a few teeth. It gave him a mildly happy fluttering in his stomach to realize that he could order no one to heal the pretty boy and he'd be stuck looking that way forever.

"Keep your mouth shut Ferret." Harry growled. He leveled his wand at Snape and Voldemort, the anger and hatred evident in his green eyes.

"Don't be thick Potter, you can't duel both of us and hope to win." Snape said maliciously.

Harry shook his head. "That's not why I am here."

"Have you bought back my wand then?" Voldemort asked flippantly.

Harry grinned and shook his head. "No, I am afraid that we gave your wand away."

Voldemort felt his mouth drop open. "Gave it away?" He repeated incredulously.

"That is not possible. No other wizard could use that wand and the Dark Lord has placed enchantments on it that will curse any other wizard who tries to use it." Snape argued nastily. He looked gleeful though, as if all holidays had been cancelled. Voldemort did not trust that look.

"No actually the person, well I shouldn't say person, but it won't be used as a wand ever again." Harry seemed to be really enjoying drawing out the suspense. "It was Ginny's idea actually. Our dear friend Hagrid has this Boarhound, Fang and we rather thought that Fang might need another chew toy. Hagrid took it to him just a few minutes ago and promised that the wand would be a mess of splinters and drool before nightfall."

Voldemort was speechless, yet again but Snape picked up where he could not. "You arrogant little-"

"Such a temper." Harry had interrupted him. His eyes hardened even further. "As I said, I am not here to duel you nor am I here to spare verbally with you. I have a message and I was the ambassador that was picked."

Voldemort felt very wrong footed in this situation. He took a steadying breath and asked, "What is it you wish to tell us?"

"First of," Harry began. "We found and relocated Ollivander so you will have to seek a wand from another source." At this Voldemort began to sweat profusely. "Second is that he," Harry raised his hand and pointed at Snape, "killed the person who heard the prophecy and so you can stop kidnapping my friends. You won't ever hear the prophecy." Harry turned back towards Draco kicked him once again in the stomach. "Third…" Harry paused for a moment before meeting Voldemort's eyes. "If you take or harm Ginny again there will be hell to pay."

"You are nothing but a useless worm Potter and I will not have you speak to-"

BANG 

Snape was hanging upside down in midair, his robes hanging about his face, entangling his arms and also exposing knickers that were a very interesting shade of lilac.

"Nice panties Snape." Harry muttered before flicking his wand again. Snape fell to the stone floor, and to Voldemort's horror, he was knocked unconscious.

Harry smiled benignly. "It's just you and I, Tom and you don't have your wand nor will you be able acquire another one easily."

Voldemort shrugged his shoulders as if he weren't quaking inside. "Dumbledore told you the prophecy."

Harry raised an eyebrow. "So what if he did? Why would I be stupid enough to tell anyone else? Wormtail has proven that you can't trust your best friends."

Voldemort regarded him shrewdly. "You are not telling the whole truth! I _demand_ that you tell me the prophecy!"

Harry snorted and raised his wand a bit higher. "You aren't exactly in a position to demand anything Tom."

Voldemort felt powerless and petulant. It was not fair to have this stupid child dictating to him as if he were not the greatest wizard alive! "You will leave now! Your messages were delivered." He heard the whining tone in his voice and cringed inwardly. Apparently Harry had heard it as well.

"Temper tantrums and pouts are for babies, not grown men." Harry looked over thoroughly. "Although right now I would say that you don't exactly resemble a man anymore."

"You are nothing but a stupid little boy, playing in a grown wizards world!" Voldemort snarled. "You know nothing of what I can do to you!"

Harry actually had the nerve to laugh, although it sounded hollow and merciless. "I _do_ know what you can do, Tom. You've tried killing off all the people in my life who were important but I assure that your days are numbered." Harry stared hard into his eyes and Voldemort could feel the truth flowing through him. "I make this promise though: you will not succeed much longer. I have not been a boy for a long time and I am making it my mission to destroy you."

Voldemort took an involuntary step backwards at the anger emanating from the boy. Again, maddeningly he felt his eye twitch ever so slightly and cursed silently when he realized that Harry had seen this sign of weakness. _I must regain the upper hand! Think!_ Then it hit him. "Why Harry, I did not realize you could hate me so much." He expected to see him falter at the abrupt change of subject but again the boy surprised him.

"I don't hate you in the way you think I do. I hate you for all of the pain you have caused in all of our lives." Harry took a step forward and Voldemort retreated another step, against his own will. "More than anything I pity you and think of you as weak."

Voldemort's jaw dropped. "I? WEAK?" He rolled in outrage. "I who am the greatest wizard of all time?"

"Do you forget," Harry interrupted. "That you are covered in snot and currently without your wand? A wand that is being consumed by a dog at this very moment."

Voldemort stopped. _Damn it the boy has a point! I hate it when other people are right and I'm not!_ Voldemort felt himself scowl at his thoughts and quickly he dismissed them. It would not do to let these self-defeatist thoughts erode his ego even further. He started on his mantra again, _I am the greatest Dark Wizard of all time, I am the greatest Dark Wizard of all time, I am the great-_

Harry interrupted his thoughts. "You do not know what it means to love and to trust in others and because of that you are a bitter, lonely old man. You will never be the greatest wizard because you are not respected; you are feared. No one will just let you be who you are because there will always be someone trying to take your power away from you."

Harry's words rang true. Voldemort had feared Snape would make attempt on his life but he was sure that Potter was the Chosen one from the prophecy and if that was the case then Snape could not defeat him. But Harry seemed certain and all Voldemort knew was that these thoughts were causing a massive amount of pressure to build inside his head. "I do not need love, it is for the weak and you will never be loved for yourself but because of who you are!" He knew it was childish but Voldemort felt that he had to lash out in any way that he could.

"Ginny loves me for who I am." Harry replied simply and Voldemort saw the truth in his eyes, felt it in his words and saw that the boy believed it with every fiber of his being. "More important though is that I love her and you won't stop life from going on around you. Your reign of fear will come to and end, and soon."

"You can't be so sure of that." Voldemort muttered softly.

Harry chuckled. "Let me put it this way. I am not the one who got hexed by a 15 year old who also stole my wand and I am on the side that took down all of your Death Eaters." He raised his wands towards Voldemort's eyes. "Haven't you ever read a history book? Good always triumphs over evil in the end."

"It won't this time!" Voldemort felt like a child again, arguing over a toy. It was ridiculous. "If you're so sure you will be able to kill me, why haven't you tried to? I'm defenseless right now… why won't you do it? Go on then…" He let his challenge hang in the air but it didn't hang for long.

Harry's face split into a grin. "I've knocked out your Death Eater that killed Dumbledore and can likely kill you as well, since you are wandless." His perceptiveness at Voldemort's inner-fears was staggering and sent a chill up his spine. "I want you to stew on the thought that you really are not the greatest wizard of all time and you never will be. We all have weakness and I'm determined to find yours." Harry pointed his wand and Snape and muttered, "_Ennervate._"

Snape began to stir. "Why would you do that?" Voldemort asked him.

Harry laughed softly. "Just wanted to leave you with your most dangerous supporter, awake and ready to overthrow you. Do enjoy your day." With a sop POP Harry was gone.

Voldemort looked down at Snape, who was attempting to stand. _Is Harry right? Am I losing my touch?_ A shudder ran through him and he ran a hand over his face, coating his hand once again in boogies and now ink. _Oh damn, this has been a bad day._

THE END 

**IMPORTANT A/N:** That's it for this story! I hope you had fun and a lot of laughs. I am coming out with another long story, longer than this one, I mean. It will be a parody on Robin Hood so look for that to come out very soon. If you liked this one, then you'll probably like the next one.

Much Thanks to **Ham** for your ideas and honesty. On to the next one, right?

Thank you **JPx** for your encouragement and for being a sounding board for this chapter!

Thank you also to everyone who reviewed! You kept me inspired and made me smile and sometimes gave me great ideas for what to write next! Your words are always appreciated. ywg

JPx- Thanks again!

Harry and Ginny 4eva: Just a bit of H/G

BellonaBellatrix: My favorite line too!

LadyJenny: He is Dumbledore's man and I wanted to convey that. I'm glad you liked it.

RSegovia: OOPS! I do that sometimes and we just don't catch it. Thanks for letting me know!

LoonyLuna48: Thank you! I did show that he loves her, of course because he does, but I thought it was funnier to leave Voldie hanging.

j752572: Thanks! I hope you enjoyed it.

kazziedal: Thank you!

AllylovesHarry: Done! Now I can catch up on your stuff!

Miliardo Peacecraft: No kidding… on to the next long story.

CreativeQuill: I hope you enjoyed what I did with the wand.

Ginebra Brong: Thank you!

realfanficts: YAH! I'm glad you got to laugh so much.

forgetyourwatch: Thanks and I have a lot of help in the wit department.

RonsREALgirl: I'm glad… sort of. I hope you didn't hurt yourself!

Black is the New Pink: Of Course! Harry is just a bit thick!

mosleyn001: Thanks, I'm glad you enjoyed it.

AvengerRevengeVengeanceSisters: GIGGLES! I'm glad it was enjoyed by all.

Chrystyna: Thank you.

REDMONSTER85: Sorry, I know that was evil. I hope you liked the ending.

forbiddenlight: Thanks and yes, this is the last chapter. I hope you enjoyed it.


End file.
